BIRDIES!

POETRY BY ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON

TIME TO RISE
A birdie with a yellow bill
Hopped upon my windowsill,
Cocked his shining eye and said:
"Ain't you 'shamed, you sleepyhead!"

TRAVESTIES BY CLELLAN COVEY CARD

BIRDIE
Birdie with a yellow bill
Hopped upon my windowsill,
Cocked his shining eye and says:

1. What's for breakfast, Ham -- hocks?
2. What did you do with the Absorbine -- Junior?
3. What are you going to do with that turkey -- neck?
4. What are we having for breakfast -- my very good friend?
5. Have you tasted the grub -- worm?
6. Gramma lost her stocking -- darner!
7. Where do you live, Jack -- in the beanstalk?
8. Say, Garbo, what are you going to do with your double -- boiler?
9. What's keeping you in jail, Goldie -- locks?
10. What are you going to do tonight, Sugar -- bowl?
11. Did you ever fix the faucet -- drip?
12. I hear you married a horse -- doctor!
13. May I hold your hand -- bag?
14. I don't quite get your angle -- worm!
15. What did you do with that big lemon -- squeezer?
16. Where did you get the green garter -- snake?
17. I hear you got a new tractor -- lug!
18. What would you do if your wife drank -- liquor?
19. What's the matter with Hazel -- nuts?
20. What would you do if she sat on your corn -- popper?
21. What are you digging, Marshall -- Wells?
22. What are you having for breakfast, drip -- coffee?
23. What did you do with the cow -- puncher?
24. What would you do if your mother-in-law slipped and sat on your back -- scratcher?
25. What did you do when you seen your wife sittin' in the china -- clipper?
26. When did you first fall in love with the old bean -- bag?
27. What makes you so good-lookin', Mother -- nature?
28. How do you like your homemade butter -- Pat?
29. How do you like your bathwater, Luke -- warm?
30. What did you do with the light -- socket?
31. What did you do when you ate the cream -- puff?
32. What did you do when you ate the ginger -- snap?
33. What did you get for your birthday, Bobby -- socks?
34. What color is your nose, little boy -- blue?
35. What did you do at the keyhole, little Bo -- peep?
36. How do you like the lolly -- Pop?
37. Hey, where did you get your dough -- nut?
38. How old were you when you got the colt -- 45?
39. I don't want none of your sass -- Parilla!
40. Hey, they tell me your new car is shot in the rear -- Axel!
41. What did you do after you licked the envelope -- flap?
42. What did the ice cream do when it fell in the root beer -- float?
43. What are you cooking, angel -- food?
44. What did you do when you got hit by the snow -- bawl?
45. What did you do in the kitchen -- sink?
46. What was your boyfriend's name, Jesse -- James?
47. What did you do when your boyfriend went to the party with B.O. -- plenty?
48. You certainly have a beautiful living room -- sweet!
49. What do you do with your excess -- fat?
50. What did you do after you ate the banana -- split?
51. What're you making, Mulligan -- stew?
52. I thought you was on the boat -- doc!
53. What did you do when you sat on the basket -- bawl?
54. What color is your hair, little boy -- blue?
55. When are you going on the stage -- coach?
56. What did you do when she kicked your foot -- bawl?
57. What did you do when you didn't find any gold -- fish?
58. When you broke your leg, did you hop-a-long -- Cassidy?
59. Who was the best boxer, Joe -- Louis?
60. What do you like with your coffee -- sugar?
61. What do you do on the side -- walk?
62. What did you do with your car in St Louis -- Park?
63. What happened to the snow -- man?
64. What are you carrying in all those bags, Morton -- salt?
65. When would you like to eat -- chicken?
66. You look as big as a cow -- boy!
67. What did you do when she stole your milk -- shake?
68. What did you do when she ate the cheese -- cracker?
69. What did you do with that car -- bumper?
70. I hear you're nuts about the navy -- bean!
71. What would you do if your teacher got in your airplane -- hanger?
72. Did you like the apple -- dumpling?
73. What color is your girlfriend's hair, Buster -- brown?
74. What do you think this is, Mary -- Christmas?
75. Where was you on Christmas -- Eve?
76. Where do you want to eat -- chicken?
77. What did you do when you sat on the bed -- spring?
78. What did you do when she hit you in the eye -- bawl?
79. You look like a horse -- doctor!
80. What did you do after you ate the meat -- loaf?
81. What kind of gas do you use -- Ethel?
82. What did they give you, Red -- raspberries?
83. What did you do with the old bean -- shooter?
84. What are you taking on the picnic, angel -- food?
85. Hey, I hear you took a bath -- Matt!
86. Why don't you use your bean -- pot?
87. What did the chicken do when it cracked open its shell, li'l Bo -- peep?
88. What's the trouble with the baby -- buggy?
89. Have you finished with your shaving -- mug?
90. What did you have for dinner, baby -- beets?
91. How are you feeling, Mary -- quite contrary?
92. What did you do when your wife stepped on the egg -- beater?
93. How old were you when you started driving your Olds -- 88?
94. What are we having for dinner, chicken -- dumplings?
95. Say, do you have a pen -- pal?
96. Say, what did you do when your wife smashed the car -- bumper?
97. What would you do if she swiped the salt -- shaker?
98. What did you do when you saw the home -- run?
99. How did you enjoy the lamb -- Stew?
100. What did you do after you ate the ginger -- snap?
101. Are you afraid of the lightning -- bug?
102. Say, what would you do if your wife lit a fire -- cracker?
103. I didn't know you was a bird -- lover!
104. What did you have for dessert, Tutti -- Frutti?

105. How's your blood -- Count?
106. How's your boyfriend -- Harry?
107. What's for dinner, Mother -- goose?
108. What would you do if Tallulah stole your pancake -- batter?
109. What would you do if she stole your clothes -- hanger?
110. What's for dinner, Pop -- corn?
111. What's that in the road -- a head?
112. What's for dinner, Donald -- duck?
113. What are we having for breakfast -- Grandma?
114. What did you do on the bed -- spread?
115. What would you do if your wife bought a new coat -- hanger?
116. What did you do when you went to the zoo with your aunt -- eater?
117. What did you do with the river -- dam it?
118. How do you like your eggs, Sigmund -- Freud?
119. What do you hit with, Vic -- power?
120. What's that on your shirt, Axel -- grease?
121. What kind of car you driving, Abe -- Lincoln?
122. Would you like to go fishing with a broad -- Castor?
123. What do you make with your tennis -- racket?
124. What did you do with the fly -- swatter?
125. What did you do with the lawn -- mower?
126. Which way you going, Adam -- West?
127. Where did you pewt your hat -- Chet?
128. What do you have in the bag, Smarty -- pants?
129. How did do you when you fell in the oil -- well?
130. How's your porridge, Sam -- Mele?

NOTE:
#1-104 are all genuine Birdies by Clellan Card or Axel, in chronological order from 1941-1965.
#105-130 are examples from fans which may or may not have been used by Clellan Card or Axel.

Do you know any other Birdies? Email 'em to tasseltoes AT mnkidvid.com (In the email address that comes up, change AT to @). Please put "Birdie" in the Subject line.